Sunday, August 15, 2010

ouch, my existential is broken.

life is trying to bust my balls. you're all alone, and everywhere you stand is quicksand, it says. be afraid. but i refuse. i will not be afraid – of being alone or far away from my family or out of money. what i will be, however, is angry. vengeful, perhaps. how dare life slap me around when all i do is TRY. try to make work better, life better, relationships better. and when they can't be better, i stop trying. not on the first or second or third try. i don't know how many it takes. for me, trying is long and enduring. that reminds me of pablo neruda, who wrote, "love is short. forgetting is so long." it's true, but i haven't been in love for years. in like, yes. pissed off, insulted, and perplexed about how it always ends? you bet your ass. and that's bad enough, but thank god it's not worse. so right now the state of my life is more like this: fulfillment is short. trying is so long.

what is it with this imbalance life is doling out? people who try to do the right thing are supposed to be fulfilled, aren't they? no, no. i know better. "supposed to" should be removed from the lexicon. if we couldn't say that phrase anymore...well, nevermind. we'd simply find another way of saying it. humans are masters of circumvention. well, some of us. others give in, which is different – and i'd say, less productive – than giving up. put it this way: giving in to an unfulfilling job/romance/friendship/house/city/thought/anything = goodbye, options. i'd rather give up the old, create the new. scary and sacrificial as it may be. why do we treat metaphysical pain any differently than physical? if a feeling feels wrong, for a long time, then it's the wrong feeling. mend it. not all the parts of it, but the whole. or the hole. sew it up.

today, for the first time in my 42 months of shouldistayorshouldigo, i told myself that i am ready to give up on memphis. if need be, i mean. at this point i dare life or myself or the wind or the mailman to give me one good, it-is-definitely-worth-this-struggle reason to stay.

double dare. game on.

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