a week ago i weighed 102 pounds, plus an ounce or so. today, i bet i'd break the scale. if you counted the weight of my heart, that is. not the one pumping blood in and out of itself, somewhere behind my left breast, which lately i've noticed is bigger than my right. i mean that other one pumping feelings and thoughts in and out of me, somewhere undefined.
i'm not unique, though. i think we all have two hearts. and i think both are necessary to sustain life. though different people tend to their two hearts differently — maybe one more so than the other or maybe not tending to either at all. truth is, both hearts can bring you down if you aren't careful. that's why i'm writing this.very.moment. today, for maybe the first time ever, i realized i had to — just absolutely had to — let it be. i had to let my bandaged-but-burning-bright heart burn itself out rather than burn me.
it occurred to me on the drive from downtown to my house.
i was on the phone with a friend who was in despair over a decision, although i never worry about her bc, more than anyone i've ever met, she never runs from a hard decision, no matter how hard it is to make. i was driving down peabody, listening to her explain all the feelings clogging her second heart as i passed the corner store with "cold cuts" in giant letters across its facade, the quick mart by the housing projects where the woman with the large rear barely covered in blue spandex shorts was rocking her hips back and forth while waiting for the light to change, another liquor store with the barred windows where the guy with a bag full of chips and beer yelled something unintelligible at me, all the while my belly growling in anticipation of the leftover tabouli i made last night with fresh parsley and mint and my second heart pumping the same thought in and out, in and out: oh god why can't he just understand. as i crossed the four way stop where i never know which person is supposed to yield first...i never know in real life, either...i told my friend that her heart, at least that troublesome second one, was in one place, while her body and her life were in another. and i said to her: all of you should be in one place so you can be at peace.
from now until forever, i hope i can take my own advice, and maybe sooner than later i won't break the scale.