Sunday, September 18, 2011

buncha somethin'.

in lieu of the introspective, somewhat-literary-ish blog i should've written/should be writing re: my continual disenchantment w clarksburg, i give you a list (all of which should be in caps bc I AM YELLING):


1. panera/starbucks/almost heaven do not count as coffee shops. coffee shops have character. they have interesting people mingling about. interesting means, for instance: people who are in college and probably did something stupid and fun the night before, or maybe they're skipping class, and whatever they're doing (unless it's hard drugs or harder porn or murder) is probably okay bc they're young, and if you don't think it's okay, you're probably waiting for the sky to fall this very minute. keep looking up. i hope a bird poops in your face. other interesting people might make art or music or film, or dress strangely, or look like hippies or like they enjoy hiking/kayaking and maybe brought their own ceramic mug for coffee rather than buying a paper cup and contributing to the destruction of the environment, or maybe they say funny things or think they know everything about history/politics/economics/religion, or are vegetarian or even vegan - and hey, btw, real coffee shops offer meat-free options on their menu. like fake sausage. who cares if you don't understand why people who don't eat meat want to eat something that tastes/looks like meat. we don't understand why you want to eat the ass end of a pig. pork butt? whatevs. live and let live. and here's the kicker about coffee shops: it doesn't matter if i never speak a word to anyone while i'm there; historically, i rarely did. however, i need scenery. other people provide it.


2. there is no food in this town. oh there is, you say? okay, let me rephrase: when i don't want cheese/fried something/pasta: there is no food. there is especially no food that is healthy or locally sourced or vegetarian or ethnic (besides italian, and the last time i went to oliverio's it tasted like they were trying harder to make money than good food). and hey, check this out - frying vegetables in a brown or orange gelatinous substance and then putting the whole mess over rice doesn't count, so don't even try suggesting chinese food. gnarly. also, i used to go to brunch on sundays. sometimes by myself, sometimes with friends. i looked forward to it. is there brunch here? no. this town is starving me. and i'm mean when i'm hungry. so get outta my face.


3. whoopee, i get to walk in a big circle on the trail by the west fork river for exercise, and wait, don't tell me - the extra effort of trying to dodge never-ending piles of duck and goose crap burns more calories, doesn't it? also, when i walk past the skate park on my daily circle-walking, i have to witness the sad lack of enthusiasm, much less skill, on the part of this town's vans-wearing deviants. seriously, guys, those ramps are barely taller than the tallest patch of frizz on my curly head, thanks to the still-not-fully-repaired razor cut (a surprise! from the snooty, nasal-voiced, tyrannosaurus-armed stylist in memphis who should've asked if i'd like to end up with the ponytail of a toddler. i would've said no.).


4. the kroger here doesn't have half the health food section of other krogers. it doesn't even carry tempeh. do i eat tempeh often? no. but what if one day i need to make buffalo tempeh nuggets? i can't. and then i'm mad.


5. i realize i need to stay in clarksburg for whoknowshowlong until it's feasible to move to morgantown. this does not, however, make living in this town more pleasing or less annoying on a daily basis. and unless you can teach me how to live on some other basis, you can't help me out. and really, i don't want suggestions. i know my options here; it's just that they're not enough, not when i've spent too many years living elsewhere and building my own little world, chaotic and confusing and not always pleasing as it were but it was still mine. also, i am in no way saying that everyone should dislike clarksburg, bc i realize some people like clarksburg. some people like to eat boogers. some people like avant-garde art. some people like the band nickelback. it takes all kinds.


6. my kid is gonna have an interesting mom.