20 years. that's how long i've had eyes wide shut (credit to whomever coined that phrase). i've been doing things my way for 20 years. my way has made life both complicated and colorful. my way gave way to three pit bulls who made my heart swell to near explosion and then a son who has both sleep deprived me to near insanity and suffused my soul with a supernatural love that sometimes overcomes me so much that i have to nibble on his chin or his nose or his cheek because little ones are as close to pure as humans will ever be.
i've moved around, slept around (sorry, mom and dad—but i promise that's more about sentence rhythm than literal accuracy), worked around, run around, and skipped around social circles (tripping a whole lot over expectation and intuition). i'm still figuring me out. we all are. although some of us are figuring out our inner selves while also figuring out the external stuff, like work and shelter and love. i fall into the latter category.
i don't know much about sticking around in one place or with one person or one job. i know a few things. here they are:
1. produced effects: life and love are not like a grade school science-experiment volcano. our efforts can involve all the right elements and still not produce the desired results. we do what we do; what happens, happens.
2. trying: none of us will ever get it right. we'll be haunted by whether we tried too hard or not hard enough. if we recognize ourselves in the midst of one extreme, we should try to fix it—but not too hard or too little. none of us will ever get it right. it's okay.
3. shutting up: this can save a lot of frustration if we teach ourselves when to exercise it wisely.
4. not shutting up: this can change the world if we teach ourselves when to exercise it wisely.
5. sleep: for those with small children or sleep-disruptive disorders, it is precious. priceless. restorative.
6. the gut: it's a truth teller. it tells you what's happening in your body. it tells you what's real in your thoughts. listen.
7. scores: not worth keeping.
8. letdowns: they'll happen so often. we all know to let them go. we should also know how to read the fine print of a letdown: maybe it's telling us to redirect our paths. maybe it's telling us that in some cases, it's okay to reconfigure our affections and affinities.
9. idiosyncrasies: we all have them. how.many.times i've been told i analyze too much. analyze i do. however, the message behind that statement is utterly irksome: if you'd just be less like you, you'd be so much better off. no, i wouldn't. i'd be a different person with different idiosyncrasies. shoo, fly.
10. awareness: what it is, is precious. what it isn't is an add-water solution. it is evolution. or even revolution.
be well, little fritters.